Do-gooders welcome plans to boost alcoholism in city

Charities across Southampton are celebrating the news that the city has been given permission to open a ‘Super Casino.’

Analysts project that the new casino could result in a 25% boost in business for related industries like homelessness shelters and alcoholism support.

Southampton League of Do-Gooders chief, Archibald Nosey, welcomed the news:
“For years we’ve been struggling on a shoe-string budget. Most of our business has been taken away by the state- who wants to come to the voluntary sector when you can get better support without the humiliation of begging for it?

“But there’s no way the City Council will be able to deal with the massive increase in addiction that comes from this new casino. They’ll come crawling back to papa, and I’ll be like, ‘no, I’m seeing someone new now,’ and they’ll be like, ‘but I can’t live without you.’ And so on.”

In a remarkably frank exchange with reporters, Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell told opponents of the new casinos to “get a clue and stop bitching.”

“Look,” said the Culture Secretary at a breakfast meeting with journalists and clergymen, “we might as well try and con the gambling industry into building us some nice restaurants and a new Borders in return for all our money. If we don’t, everyone will just gamble on the internet anyway. Ladies, would you rather your husbands gambled in a casino full of unattractive drunks, or at home on the internet while accessing high quality porn?”